Welcome to Ms. Parker's 411!

Hello All! 

I started jogging! Yay! Follow my progress at http://msparker411.blogspot.com

It all went down many years ago when I was a small child. I was no more than maybe six years old and I committed the crime of the decade. It was an early summer afternoon and my mother was making me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Normally, I would peel the crust off of the bread and toss it out myself when she wasn't looking but that day I must have momentarily lost my mind. Instead of sitting quietly and waiting for my sandwich, I walked over to my mother and said "Mommy, I don't like the crust. Please cut it off before you give it to me. Thank you." 

As you just read, I was very polite with my request so that wasn't the crime. My mother responded with "Do you realize there are children starving all over the world and you want me to throw away perfectly good bread? Child, sit down and eat your sandwich and be quiet!" She then handed me the sandwich, which unfortunately still had the crust on it. Had I known then what I know now, I would have taken that sandwich with the crust and skipped over to the table and ended the conversation there. But nooooo...

As I was a fairly bright child and felt the need to always solve problems and handle situations in a helpful way, I said "Well why don't you cut off the crust, put it in a napkin and mail it to a starving kid because I don't like it." Unbeknownst to me at that time, I had just created the crime of the decade and I was only trying to be helpful. But alas, no good deed goes unpunished. My mother turned around and slapped the piss out of me. Literally. In her mind, she thought I was being sarcastic. In my defense, I didn't learn sarcasm until a couple of years later but if you have a mother like mine, all that delayed learning meant you needed a crash course in the subject.

In any event, I woke up an hour later in a puddle of piss still holding that peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crust on it in my hand. I never again mentioned the crust of bread to her and I ate the crust of the bread until I was in college and had my own apartment. Now, many years later I do not eat the crust of bread but I get a slight tick every time I cut it off. It serves me right. There are in fact children starving all over the world.

The End.